A man and a dream meet one day...

I had a dream last night. I dreamt I met myself. Not the man I am today, though. This me was much different. Oh, he had the same face, the same crooked nose, and the same scars. Even the surgical scars matched. But that was where the similarities ended. He was dirty, unkempt, and extremely overweight. His clothing was stained and in poor repair. He was balding as well, and to a much greater extent than I am today. He obviously cared nothing of his appearance, no cared what others thought. It was his face, however, that was the most striking. It was dead. There was no light in his eyes; not even a hint of that mischievous twinkle I often get. No smile on his face, or humor in his demeanor at all. He was a man who allowed the world to weigh him down, because he saw no other way. For him, there was no joy in the world, no reason to fight. Just a day to day existence in what must be, for him, a cruel and sad life.

We chatted briefly, and amiably. It was almost like friends who were just catching up a bit before moving on their separate ways. Of course, in a way we were. I knew who this man was, just as he knew who I was. Two sides of the same coin. Two old friends meeting for the first time, yet having known each other forever.

This dream, for me, was a disconcerting one. I've often wondered where I would be if I had never taken that chance years ago to move to Tucson and begin my life anew, and I believe that this dream answered that question. This man I met, this different version of me, is the man I could've been. A man who never left Louisville all those long years ago. This man never made an effort to dig himself out of what he had been. He never took a chance, and never dared to believe in himself, nor dared to listen to those who believed in him. He never tried to find or improve himself. He would never discover his potential and realize his dreams. This me allowed himself to wither and die inside, rather than finding reasons to live.

I believe that this me that I encountered is the person I would've become if I had never left Louisville, and that is just a little bit frightening to me. But at the same time, it is a good reminder as to why I've taken the risks I have, and tried so hard to grow. I love dancing and singing for no good reason than just because. I love being silly, random, and goofy. I love that extremely youthful bend to my nature, and how Molly always says that I make her feel young by just being me. I love that I have my humor to use a shield from the darkness that can occur in life. And I love that I can find a reason to smile in just the joy of what life is, and what it can be. This other me had lost that, forever. The thought of being so dead inside, and to see myself so dead inside is both sobering and refreshing. Because that is who I could've been. But it is not who I am.

Two completely different lives of one man, stagnation and change, momentarily intersecting in a dream. A much needed reminder of how things may have been and but never will be as long as I keep trying.

Or it could've just been gas. You never know.